That’s what I feel like I am doing right about now. There’s really no other remotely accurate way to describe this feeling. It’s definitely shaky ground out there, and I’m hoping that the wind doesn’t even whisper right now. Or perhaps it’s like Linus having his blanket ripped right out of his hands by a possessed Snoopy. Only it’s not a bad thing. In fact, it’s probably the best news I could post regarding the recent steps I have taken in my journey.
In mid-August, I secured a placement with a temp agency for full time employment. I am now working as a clerk for a health care/insurance provider. At this point I have five weeks in at my new job. I really like my boss, and it’s a way for me to see and be seen in the work world. It also gives me a “current” position and list of skills on my resume. It has taken a little tweaking to get acclimated to having a weekly set schedule for myself that doesn’t include a mid-afternoon nap (humor – ha ha). The boys are both in school full time now (cue the Hallelujah chorus) so that helps immensely with the cost of child care -- during the school year at least.
With a steady paycheck coming in, my service coordinator suggested that I begin looking for an apartment. I figured it would take me at least a couple of months to find somewhere I was willing to call home. I took the boys to look at an apartment a few weeks ago. They loved it and wanted to move in right away. They informed me that there were enough good hiding spots for playing hide and seek. Yep, that was definitely on my checklist for apartment requirements. I had some reservations, so I informed them that we would keep looking. Last week, we looked at another place, and it seemed to be a much better fit for what we wanted/needed. I put down a small deposit and signed the lease. Now the fun of packing and moving begins. As of September 30th, we will be moving into our own apartment. I knew this day was coming, but I had no idea it would come so quickly after finding a job.
At the end of the day, I am torn between terrified panic and orgasmic excitement. I’m having my safety net taken away from me, and it goes way beyond the housing I have. For the past seven months, I have had the privilege of getting counseling, advice, and suggestions from someone who knows a lot about where to get help around here. My Service Coordinator has been indispensable – for her knowledge, wisdom (they are two different things), and the ability to tactfully tell me when I have gone over the ledge. I’ve had to meet with her one or two times per week depending on my current status in the program. It’s difficult to imagine having to make an important decision before running it by her. I know I used to do that all by myself every day without a second thought. And I will do that again. I’m sure it’s still back there in the deep recesses of my mind.
Here’s the downside to sudden independence – when you are living on an extremely limited budget – (I was trying to live on about $1000 a month for 3 people) it is damn near impossible to save any substantial amount of money. I’ve sat in several budgeting workshops for single/low income moms this past year, and these “experts” will tell you that making even $5 deposits to your savings account adds up. Unfortunately, it doesn’t add up quickly enough. Coming up with about $2000 for first/last month’s rent and moving expenses all at once might as well be $100,000. I can see why the cycle of dependence is so difficult to break, especially when you don’t have any resources available. And the welfare system won’t let you save money either. If you have any reasonable amount of savings, you better have it under the mattress and not in a bank account.
So here I go with my hand out again (and I don’t like to ask for help). I have placed phone calls to various agencies and filled out applications for any and all aid I can find. So far, I have $300. That only leaves $1700 more to go. I have set up a GoFundMe donation page, and you can connect to it here if you would like to assist me and my kids in our quest for independence. Even $5 or $10 helps us get closer to our goal!
As we take this next leap of faith in our journey, I have to hope that we do not ever find ourselves in this place again. Every day on my way home from work, I pass two different men who hold cardboard signs and stand in traffic along the interstate, asking for help with their current circumstances. It breaks my heart that I am not yet in a position to assist them. But I am working my way there, and I will pay it forward. That’s my promise to myself. More to come down the road…
We're on our way,
Selina
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