Getting Back to Square One

I haven't posted in a while.  Seems as though this had become a trend more than I would like.  There is so much I want to say, at the same time that I feel that I have perhaps shared too much.  My personal struggles of the past year have been just that -- personal.  My experiences with homelessness and living in less than desirable circumstances has been an eye-opening and humbling experience.  It has changed my perspective in ways I cannot begin to fathom.

What I do know is that I am more appreciative of having a job than I ever thought possible.  I face each day with the idea that I am on an audition.  If I do well, they will ask me to come back tomorrow.  They have been for the past six months, and just a week ago, I graduated from a temp to an official employee.  I could barely contain my excitement when they finally offered me a chance to join the team! I took my kids out and we celebrated with dinner at a restaurant where we didn't order off of the menu board behind the counter.  I am especially grateful to one influential person at work who truly pled my cause to the right people and told them that they would be foolish to let me get away.  I spent so much time searching for a job, and I'm scared to say it, but I think I found a home. 

Having a full time job has meant that I have been able to pay the rent and utilities in our apartment.  I'm extremely proud of this; I was scared to death when I signed my lease in October.  I have not been late with the rent once.  Failure is not an option.  I am not going back as long as I can help it.  And yet I know that sometimes things are not in my control, and I will face whatever comes next, knowing that I have already lived through more than I ever thought I wanted to survive.

I knew that all of this upheaval had an effect on my children.  I kept telling them that being together was the most important thing, and in many ways it was and is the single most thread to cling to in the midst of adversity.  After being in our apartment for a couple of months, we were riding in the car on the way home from school one day.  Out of the blue, one of my kiddos said, "Momma, when we're done living here (in our apartment), are we going to go back and live in churches?"  I cannot even describe the gut-wrenching knot that instantly formed in my heart.  I choked back tears and said, "I hope not Sweetheart.  Momma is going to do everything she can to keep that from happening again." 

This last part is what's hardest for me to swallow --my nine year old wrote this essay for President's Day:

 

 



I think that says it all -- and then some.  Whatever effect all of this has had on me, it has also had on my children.  We have visited the food bank, and received winter coats from organizations who have helped us at a time when we did not have the means to help ourselves.  My children have seen how much just having a car makes a difference in the quality of life that a person can have.  They know the struggle of watching their mother look for a job day after day.  They did not ask for this; I wanted to shelter them from the storm, not put them right in the middle of one.

As our lives settle down into a routine of sorts, and we travel further from the wreckage that our lives were for a time, I don't ever want to forget.  I don't think we can -- and if we do, shame on us.  Hopefully the good that will come from this will far outweigh any negatives.  Only time will tell.  For now, our time in purgatory is over, and I am closing this blog on a higher note.  Thank you for joining me.

Selina

Giving Back and Giving Green

Two weeks ago on a Sunday morning, I got dressed up -- dress, hose, heels and makeup -- and went to brunch at an exclusive restaurant called the LeMont up on Mt. Washington in Pittsburgh.  They truly have the best views of the city, and the wait list to have your wedding reception there is, well, long.  Suffice it to say it's pretty swanky, and it's not somewhere that I would go normally. 

So how did I end up on the guest list?  My service coordinator asked me to speak about my experiences while I had been in their program for homeless women and children.  They were having a fundraising event and since I am not quite in a position to write donation checks at this point, I happily agreed to help in this capacity.  The event was attended by almost 500 women, who purchased tickets and paid to be there.  That in itself is phenomenal -- but they also had over 100 designer purses filled with themed sets of goodies to tempt ladies into bidding to win them.  Some of the gifts were pretty impressive! 

It's only been a few months since I moved out on my own, and my experiences are still so raw and fresh in my mind.  I had spoken at one other event previously, where I had thoughtfully written out a speech and spoke about my journey.  In the week leading up to this event, I had not been able to devote time to revising the speech I had written previously, but I felt confident that I could speak from the heart and convey my appreciation for all that I had been given during my time there. 

After brunch, I stood up in front of about 100 of the women in one of the smaller rooms and began to tell my story.  I didn't get very far into my speech when I realized what was happening.  I literally stood in front of the people who opened their wallets and made my success -- and the success of those I had lived with -- possible.  It completely overwhelmed me and I started to cry.  I couldn't help myself.  And that's what I told them.  That their willingness to contribute to this organization meant more to me and my boys than they could ever know -- and that I could only hope to pay this forward in some small way down the road.

I'm saying all of this because one of my Facebook friends recently posted a spreadsheet that shows what percentage of funds from various well-known charitable organizations goes directly to helping those in need.  The idea is to inform the public while at the same time chastising those that don't put 100% of donations back into their mission.  Here's the thing that a lot of people don't understand: there is not a single charitable organization out there that has 100% volunteers.  It's practically impossible to find people who are willing to put full time hours into a job without any pay (& please refer back to the use of the adjective practically before you jump all over my case with that one exception).

In my own daily encounters with the paid staff at my program, I know that these women feel passionately about the mission of this organization, and have seen a lot of women who participated in this program turn their lives around because of their efforts.  I can say with a great amount of certainty that it would not be even a fraction of the success it is without their hard work and dedication.  So it really burns my toast when people begin to criticize the administrative costs of charitable good works.  These women deserve to get paid for their efforts -- and I can tell you that none of them drive Rolls Royces.     

Are there organizations that abuse their "good" reputation and pay their CEOs too much?  Absolutely.  But I challenge those who think that they know the full story just by looking at an accounting sheet at the end of the year.  I have utilized an information hotline that is run by the United Way (one of the members on the naughty list) several times this year alone.  I have NO CLUE what I would have done without this resource at my fingertips.  I literally spent two days making phone calls from the exhaustive list I had been given by one of the workers on the hotline when I was looking for a place to stay instead of sleeping in my car with my children.  Then I called them again when I needed start-up funds for an apartment, and they gave me more assistance.  Do I agree with all of their administrative fund allocations?  Certainly not -- but there's a phrase about biting the hand that feeds you that comes to mind here.  And I don't know the whole story either.

It's extremely easy for people who have never needed these organizations to sit in judgment and say that the people who run them should work for free.  I can only express gratitude for the assistance that I have been given by The United Way, as well as at least another handful of various charitable organizations this year.  It's truly a debt that I can never fully repay.  I didn't ask any of these organizations to review their annual budget before I accepted their assistance, and I would do it all over again in order to take care of my family; I only speak the truth as I know it.  I am grateful for the people who choose to support The United Way.  I encourage everyone to support at least one charitable organization wholeheartedly, whatever touches your heart -- and not just at Christmastime.  You never know when you might be the one who ends up needing the help.   


 

Walking on a Tightrope -- Without a Net

That’s what I feel like I am doing right about now.  There’s really no other remotely accurate way to describe this feeling.  It’s definitely shaky ground out there, and I’m hoping that the wind doesn’t even whisper right now.  Or perhaps it’s like Linus having his blanket ripped right out of his hands by a possessed Snoopy.  Only it’s not a bad thing.  In fact, it’s probably the best news I could post regarding the recent steps I have taken in my journey.

 

In mid-August, I secured a placement with a temp agency for full time employment.  I am now working as a clerk for a health care/insurance provider.  At this point I have five weeks in at my new job.  I really like my boss, and it’s a way for me to see and be seen in the work world.  It also gives me a “current” position and list of skills on my resume.  It has taken a little tweaking to get acclimated to having a weekly set schedule for myself that doesn’t include a mid-afternoon nap (humor – ha ha).  The boys are both in school full time now (cue the Hallelujah chorus) so that helps immensely with the cost of child care -- during the school year at least. 

 

With a steady paycheck coming in, my service coordinator suggested that I begin looking for an apartment.  I figured it would take me at least a couple of months to find somewhere I was willing to call home.  I took the boys to look at an apartment a few weeks ago.  They loved it and wanted to move in right away.  They informed me that there were enough good hiding spots for playing hide and seek.  Yep, that was definitely on my checklist for apartment requirements.  I had some reservations, so I informed them that we would keep looking.  Last week, we looked at another place, and it seemed to be a much better fit for what we wanted/needed.  I put down a small deposit and signed the lease.  Now the fun of packing and moving begins.  As of September 30^th, we will be moving into our own apartment.  I knew this day was coming, but I had no idea it would come so quickly after finding a job. 

 

At the end of the day, I am torn between terrified panic and orgasmic excitement.  I’m having my safety net taken away from me, and it goes way beyond the housing I have.  For the past seven months, I have had the privilege of getting counseling, advice, and suggestions from someone who knows a lot about where to get help around here.  My Service Coordinator has been indispensable – for her knowledge, wisdom (they are two different things), and the ability to tactfully tell me when I have gone over the ledge.  I’ve had to meet with her one or two times per week depending on my current status in the program.  It’s difficult to imagine having to make an important decision before running it by her.  I know I used to do that all by myself every day without a second thought.  And I will do that again.  I’m sure it’s still back there in the deep recesses of my mind.

 

Here’s the downside to sudden independence – when you are living on an extremely limited budget – (I was trying to live on about $1000 a month for 3 people) it is damn near impossible to save any substantial amount of money.  I’ve sat in several budgeting workshops for single/low income moms this past year, and these “experts” will tell you that making even $5 deposits to your savings account adds up.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t add up quickly enough.  Coming up with about $2000 for first/last month’s rent and moving expenses all at once might as well be $100,000.  I can see why the cycle of dependence is so difficult to break, especially when you don’t have any resources available.  And the welfare system won’t let you save money either.  If you have any reasonable amount of savings, you better have it under the mattress and not in a bank account.

 

So here I go with my hand out again (and I don’t like to ask for help).  I have placed phone calls to various agencies and filled out applications for any and all aid I can find.  So far, I have $300.  That only leaves $1700 more to go.  I have set up a GoFundMe donation page, and you can connect to it here if you would like to assist me and my kids in our quest for independence.  Even $5 or $10 helps us get closer to our goal!

 

As we take this next leap of faith in our journey, I have to hope that we do not ever find ourselves in this place again.  Every day on my way home from work, I pass two different men who hold cardboard signs and stand in traffic along the interstate, asking for help with their current circumstances.  It breaks my heart that I am not yet in a position to assist them.  But I am working my way there, and I will pay it forward. That’s my promise to myself.  More to come down the road…

We're on our way,
Selina

Establishing Shelf Life

I realize I have not posted an update in a few months, but by now I had hoped that I would have some good news to share.  Unfortunately, the current economic times seem to be taking their toll, and I am still pursuing various leads in order to attempt to obtain permanent employment.  I continue to watch the weeks of summer slip through my fingers and I feel no closer to my goal than I did three months ago.

Last summer, I purposely took time to be with my boys because I figured it would perhaps be the only summer I would have "free" to spend with them as I wished.  So while I am enjoying getting to take them to the local public pool once a week this summer as a treat, it's also disheartening for me emotionally.  I didn't want to still be unemployed at this point.  I realize that most of my current situation is not in my control; that doesn't make it any easier. 

So the question at this point becomes: What is my shelf life?  How much longer can I continue to look for work before the growing, gaping hole in my resume becomes a liability?  Now I have taken a couple of classes, and also taken some short workshops in order to try and keep myself marketable.  But I'm not sure that's enough anymore.  I had an HR professional tell me today that I might need to fall back on using my teaching certificate -- but I'm not sure I can even do that since I have been out of practice for so long -- going on 10 years.  (Wow – it’s been that long.)  On top of the fact that I really really really don’t want to be a first year teacher for the fourth time.  Sigh…

On a positive note, I was able to get an extension to stay in my current living environment (we have been here at HEARTH for 171 days now), but that also expires in about another month.  At that point, I don't know what I will do -- or if I will be able to stay here longer if needed.  My kids wouldn't mind living here indefinitely; I want to be independent and live in a place where I make my own rules about curfews and inspect my own apartment.  I know that this will come in time, but I grow impatient by the day for my parole (for lack of a better way to explain it).

Another positive point is that the start of another school year looms near on the horizon.  I am grateful that I will only have "before" and "after" care to budget for this year since my youngest will finally be starting kindergarten.  This mom will not be shedding any tears on the first day of school.  I will be pushing them out of the nest with both hands!!

But back to the question at hand – how long before I start to stink (in a metaphorical sense)?  I have revised my resume so many times that I could wallpaper at least a powder room with all of the versions and variations I have made over the course of the past six months.  Every time I encounter another HR professional or recruiter, I get a different opinion on what I should be putting on my resume and where it should go.  Sometimes they want separate sections for technical skills and administrative skills; sometimes they want it all listed in my job duties.  I have a basic idea of what I have listed as standard elements on my CV, but the little nuances are what just may trip me up eventually.

I had a career counselor tell me that if I was getting interviews based on my resume, that maybe I was being rejected because of my interview skills.  I listened to what she had to say.  Then I returned her concerns with the fact that my chosen profession requires me to speak in front of strangers all the time.  If I can’t get comfortable quickly in a training session, I lose my effectiveness and credibility.  I’m usually speaking about topics that I know well, and so I’m fairly certain that this isn’t the case.  If I can't speak intelligently about my own job history and experiences, than I am sure that no one else will be able to either.  I also provided her with evidence from another credible source (a lawyer who knows a thing or two about body language) who voluntarily told me that I was projecting positivity despite the fact that my circumstances were anything but rays of sunshine.  And that in itself boosted my confidence in ways I desperately needed.

I have been working every angle I can think of to crack the system.  I have attended job fairs, signed up with staffing agencies, taken workshops, gone to a networking breakfast, and spoken with many recruiters.  I am working with a career counselor at one of the local outreach places, and have taken a career readiness assessment and a civil service test.  I keep several of my business cards in my wallet at all times just in case an opportunity presents itself.  Frankly, I could use all of the business cards I have collected from contacts for the border on my “resume wallpaper project” J  (I have to have a little bit of a sense of humor here so I don’t lose it completely.)

So as I sit here on a bright Monday morning, with a heart full of hope and a calendar full of empty holes, I wonder what this week will bring.  I have a list of follow-up phone calls to make, and websites to scour for possibilities.  My kids and I pray for my new job every night, and I know that I have to be closer to my goal than I was six months ago.  It would be so affirming to be able to see the finish line on the horizon…

In conclusion, I could still use a hand finding employment.  It really is the critical key to taking the next steps to get myself completely back on track.  If you are reading this, and you have any leads or contacts, please send them my way.  I have a profile on LinkedIn [www.linkedin.com/in/selinaboyles] and would welcome any assistance in this area.  I would prefer not to hit my expiration date and continue to sit on the shelf.  Many thanks for your consideration!!  There’s more to come!!

Making Progress

I can hardly believe we've been here for two months now!!  It's still strange and yet familiar at the same time.  I've never lived in this type of environment before, and it's not easy to adjust.  Not just because it's an apartment situation, but because it's very restrictive and makes me feel like a teenager rather than a grownup.  It's almost more of a dorm room situation: there are mandatory weekly meetings, everyone has an assigned chore that rotates on a monthly basis, the washing machine takes quarters, there is no alcohol allowed on the premises, you need a parking permit for your car, and there is an enforced Cinderella curfew even on weekends.  Under the current circumstances, the dry campus policy is probably the most heinous, but I digress...

Although sometimes I don't feel like it, I have made progress.  I got my younger son into afternoon preschool five days a week (hold the applause) -- and it's free (now you may clap).  Hopefully he will adjust quickly to sharing toys and transitioning from activity to activity again and be fully prepared for the rigors of kindergarten in the fall. 

At first, I was dropping him off and then driving almost completely back "home" and sitting at the library working on various tasks while I waited for 3:15 each day.  Then I discovered that you really don't even need to purchase a beverage at Panera in order to hang out there.  Just sit down somewhere, open your laptop, and no one will bother you.  You could probably sit there all day and not one employee would question your continued loitering.  Some food for thought perhaps…

First Win

I got my resume together with the help of an experienced HR professional, and have begun submitting resumes all over the Three Rivers area.  I also have begun to utilize my networking skills.  With any amount of wall papering and word of mouth, I will be back to the workforce in no time at all.  So, eh hem...if you are looking for a seasoned professional who has a training/managerial/customer service background with strong communication skills, give me a shout and I will be happy to send you my resume.  Don't be shy now -- I've got mad skills and I won't sit on the shelf for too much longer. 

Second Win

I finally, finally, sold my house.  This was not without its bumps and bruises, as so very little of my life is typically smooth sailing.  Prior to closing, while completing a home inspection, it was discovered that we had some broken pipes.  After working through that little (insert laughter) hiccup, we finally went to closing last week.  I did not make any money from this transaction, but my goal was to walk away without owing anything, and I count it as a success that I accomplished my goal. 

Third Win

My older son got approved for Social Security benefits.  This is no small feat of paperwork and patience.  When I was working, I always made too much for him to be able to get any disability benefits from Social Security despite the fact that he qualified under his medical condition.  Yet after the sky fell on us, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to apply again. 

It is a lengthy process, and one that is (in my own opinion) meant to deter folks from even trying to complete the necessary steps.  I had to make an appointment, take a packet, and wait five weeks for the first available appointment date.  Then I had to gather all of the information on the two checklists included in the packet. The next step was to complete the online application, which took over three hours to type in all of the names and addresses and documented services that my son has/had received over the course of the past several years. 

Then there is the actual interview, which also takes a couple of hours and goes through all of the documentation that is provided, step by excruciating step.  After that, I waited for a letter, which told me that I needed to provide additional documentation.  I collected these things and mailed them out right away.  Finally, after two months of persistence, and following every instruction, he was approved.  However (and there is always a caveat), if any of the income or basic living arrangements we have currently do change, I am obligated to report these changes to them within thirty days.  For now I will count this as a win!   

To Be Continued

I still have plenty more steps to take in this journey back to some sense of normalcy. Or whatever that is supposed to look like.  Because truth be told, my perspective of even that word has changed dramatically over the course of the past year, and definitely over the past few months.  I don’t want to go thru this ever again, but there are no guarantees.  In the meantime, I am going to enjoy watching my boys play on the new playground while I scour the Internet for employment.  Looking forward to what comes next…

Walk a Mile or Two

I had a little conversation with a well-meaning Customer Service Representative from Sprint the other day that went a little something like this.

ME:  “I appreciate your offer of the Unlimited plan, but I really don’t want to increase my monthly bill.  I can’t afford the bill I have now.  I am literally homeless and trying to get by on a ridiculous joke of child support payments.”

Sprint CSR:  “I know that must be tough.  I completely understand.”  

ME:  “Have you ever been homeless?”

Sprint CSR:  “Well no.”

ME:  “Then you have no idea what I am talking about and could not possible empathize with my situation.”

Sprint CSR:  “You’re completely right about that.” 

I wasn’t trying to be nasty, and I said it in a calm and straightforward manner.  But she hasn’t the foggiest clue and shouldn’t have tried to placate me with platitudes.  Unless she has wondered where she is going to sleep on any given evening, she cannot fathom the angst that I have been through over the past six weeks.  Not really knowing where I and two small children were going to land has been an emotionally draining as well as a physically daunting task.  It is very much akin to when people say that looking for a job is a full time job.  Trying to keep a roof over your head for even one more day when you don’t have one is just as exhausting. 

I will give that CSR from Sprint her props.  She recovered nicely from my blunt and potentially argumentative question (although I was not looking for an argument), and went on to give me a $50 credit off of my next bill – which was much needed and appreciated.  I am not ashamed to accept help these days in any form it arrives.  And I have had quite a bit of help over the past six weeks.  Friends have prayed for me, called to check up on me, and given me food, gift cards and money to keep gas in my car – which has almost literally been both my home and storage unit on wheels.  It has been a very humbling and eye-opening experience, especially since I typically relish my self-sufficiency and independence. 

This week was the first time this year that I saw a glimmer of hope that we will be okay.  We moved into a temporary housing facility last week.  It’s a program specifically for homeless women with children.  They have a multitude of resources and ways to assist us as I work to get back on track from Square One.  The apartment we have is really nice – and the boys have their own rooms, which is a luxury for sure.  I even had to invest in a wire hanger so that my little guy can’t lock himself in/other people out of his room.  There are also lots of other kids to play with in the building, which is the best bonus of all for the boys J  I almost wish we could stay permanently, even though I know the goal is to work towards self-sufficiency, something I used to know quite well.

There are other little steps we are taking towards our independence.  I used a gift card from a friend and took my boys out for “Pancake Tuesday” at Denny’s.  This was something I had not been able to do while we were sleeping in churches and living on a seemingly borrowed existence.  Every week, we would get a pancake dinner somewhere as a way to pause during our weekly busy-ness and enjoy a few moments together as a threesome.  It was a routine I began about a year ago, and the boys were thrilled to get that opportunity once again.

Now, I will say that I have enjoyed cooking my own dinners and washing the dishes (shock of shocks).  I tidy up around the apartment each day, and put things away after using them.  I am attempting to do without all of the “necessities” that aren’t even close to being necessary that clutter up our existence.  I make my bed each morning and I still sort of pinch myself that we have a stable place to stay.  It’s surreal in a way I cannot easily describe.  When I used to take all of these things for granted, as if they were my rights, instead of the privileges that they are. 

I have some big appointments coming up this week: a meeting with the board to determine my official goals and direction while I am in the program, meeting with a professional to review and revamp my resume, and a career development class that will occupy my Tuesday evenings for the next 10 weeks.  I have been working the same types of jobs for a while, and perhaps figuring out a new direction/career path may be the break I need to get excited about working again.  Who knows which way the wind will blow?  I am both excited and scared about the possibilities at the same time.  I just have to stay positive and take one day, one minute at a time.

Until the next mile…

How Did I Get Here?

The last time I wrote, I was working out my feelings about separating from my husband, losing my job, and how I was coping with these events.  Over the last two weeks, my life has yet again been considerably altered, and I wanted to write about it now, even though it is more difficult to do while I am going through it, as opposed to retrospectively.

Right now, I am homeless.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I would prefer not to get into too many specifics, except to say that my current (now former) living situation had deteriorated completely.  In order to keep my children safe -- and to save myself and what was left of my mental sanity -- I packed clothes, my laptop, and a few toys in the car and left. Permanently.  I don't know if or when I will ever look back. 

So the goal right now is to start from the proverbial Square One and move forward.  I am relying on the kindness of friends and strangers alike as I navigate through this difficult time.  I have been blessed by friends giving us a place to stay, babysitting while I go on job interviews, and providing prayers and emotional support while I work on finding (a) a job, (b) a place to live, and (c) school for the boys.  Am I making any progress?  Well that depends on the day; there are so many steps in the process and the obstacles seem insurmountable at times. 

After making dozens and dozens and dozens of phone calls, I finally found an agency that provides emergency housing for families in need -- and had space available during this extra cold weather.  They also have established a network of other resources and charities that assist with everything from food to gas vouchers to housing and beyond.  I am so grateful for their efforts and assistance.  Right now, I have a place to call "home base" and folks that know where to look for the things that I need most right now.  We get dinner and a warm place to stay at a local church each night, and the day center gives us a place to shower, stay warm during the day, and keep our clothes clean.  Basic things that most of us take for granted -- that I took for granted -- and now I appreciate every one of them in ways I never imagined.

What I have accomplished so far is getting my oldest son back into his old elementary school, which gives him a stable place during the weekdays.  I thought it was important for him to be in a familiar environment with friends that know him well.  This week I will begin finding a preschool/daycare for my youngest, in preparation for when I get a job and go back to work.  I registered with a staffing agency last week and took their aptitude tests.  Hopefully I get called to go on interviews this week or next.  I have lots of office experience and know there is somewhere my skills can be put to good use.

As I work on getting the rest of my life back on track, I know that I am on the right path this time.  It won't happen overnight, but I am prepared (I think) to take that journey one step at a time.  I greatly appreciate all the love and support the three of us have received so far, and any that is to come down the road.  Will share more of my experience as it unfolds...