Time to Think

Much of spring -- March and April -- passed by uneventfully.  The three of us continued our normal routines with school and activities.  I thought it was important to maintain our weekly traditions, like "Pancake Thursday" at Bob Evans or Denny's, in an effort to keep stability and predictability in the boys' lives as much as possible. 

Once I dropped my youngest off at daycare, I would take my laptop with me to McDonalds and while away the morning on the Internet, sometimes job hunting, and sometimes not.  I occasionally chatted with friends online over Skype or Facebook, but I spent a lot -- a lot -- a lot -- of time alone.  That gave me a considerable amount of time to think about all that had transpired over the course of the past six months. 

I knew that I was the one to initiate the separation between my husband and myself.  It had taken me almost a year to get up the nerve to take that step.  I could not have foreseen the issues that would arise concerning custody and the safety of myself and the boys.  My husband had always had a temper and a jealous streak, but that got taken to a whole new level of insanity once he was faced with losing his cozy existence as the "kept" spouse. (I had not counted on unexpectedly falling into the land of the unemployed while I was in the middle of this difficult process.) 

I had hoped that we could work amicably through the divorce process, but that was not in the cards.  I tried to understand that he was hurting and that my actions had taken him by surprise -- because I had expressed my dissatisfaction with our relationship numerous times and failed to follow through with any real and tangible actions.  However, everyone has a breaking point, and I had finally woken up to the fact that his "valiant attempts" at real and lasting improvements were merely smoke and mirrors to get me to stop nagging.  Word to the wise: A woman who has stopped nagging is a dangerous animal indeed.  

Even though I had valid reasons for the decisions I had made, I felt guilty for all of the upheaval on both a personal/emotional and maternal level that I can't even begin to express.  In high school, I had learned how to eat my feelings, and I spent many years punishing myself/trying to make myself feel better with various binging habits.  Thankfully, over the past year, I had channeled some of my bad habits into an exercise regimen instead.  I had lost 40 pounds and was feeling much better about myself physically. 

So instead of eating myself back into bigger pants, I slept.  It was not unusual for me to nap for 2-3 hours in the afternoon.  Then I would be up until 1AM or later cause I wasn't tired.  I knew that I was depressed, but without health insurance, I was pretty much on my own.  My parents were going through their own divorce (insert irony here), and my sister was always working 60-70 hour weeks and dealing with a boss more heinous than the Wicked Witch and Maleficent combined.  They sympathized with me to a point, but again, I didn't want them to worry.

And yet I tried not to think too much.  I did not want seeds of self-doubt to take root in my psyche.  I had made my decisions, and I was determined to ride out this tidal wave, even if it pulled me under the current.  And it did from time to time, but I always came up for air at the last possible second.  I didn't know if that would always be the case, and that scared me more than anything.  But as I said at one point, "Coulda woulda shoulda never helped anyone. And it is the worst possible advice you can give. So spare me the speech."  But I wondered how long I could keep going before I broke...

 

Now What?

I made it back to my car. Then I cried in the parking lot.  What was I going to do now?  As a single parent -- recently separated from my husband -- it was all up to me.  And things already weren't going very well.  Without two incomes to keep me afloat, I was sinking fast.  I had put my house up for sale about a month ago, and although the house had been shown several times, I did not currently have any offers on the table. 

Since it was only about three in the afternoon, I did what I thought any shell-shocked person would do: I went home and took a nap.  My kids would not need to be picked up from daycare for another two hours.  What was I going to tell them?  I really didn't know if a seven and four year old would understand the deep doggie doo doo that this latest development would mean for the three of us. 

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It took about a week for my (soon to be) ex-husband and my parents to figure out that I was no longer employed.  It was not the first time I had been in the land of the unemployed, and I felt ashamed that I was yet again in this position.  I didn't provide them with any details when they called.  I told them I didn't want to talk about it because in the grand scheme of things it really didn't matter WHY I didn't have a job any longer.  I couldn't go back and reverse their decision, and didn't want to try to fight them.  Why would I want to continue to work at a company where I was no longer wanted?  I could never understand that about those stories I heard on the news about whistle blowers and the like, fighting to get back into a company that didn't want them.

I applied for unemployment right away, although I wasn't sure that my chances would be good in that department.  It literally was a "he said/she said" situation and I truly was not up for any kind of battle with Micromanaging Dictator.  So I also applied for food stamps and any other type of aid that I could think of.  And I waited.  For everything.  In case you didn't know, Federal and state government aid moves at the speed of molasses in a blizzard in Alaska.  I filled out countless forms and sat in stark, depressing holding tanks.  I felt very much like Beetlejuice, doomed to hope that they might call my number before the second Tuesday of next week. 

While I cooled my heels in the welfare line, I began hunting for a new place to call my home from 9 to 5, but my heart was not in it.  I secretly hoped that a miracle would happen and would get called back to work.  Or wake up from this ongoing nightmare.  Neither one of those happened.  I received a notification that I was financially eligible for unemployment, but it took about another month before I finally got my golden ticket telling me that I would begin to receive payments. 

This was the best news I had gotten thus far in 2013.  This meant that I would literally be able to spend the whole summer with my kids without having to worry about childcare.  Now perhaps that doesn't sound like a big deal, but when you are shelling out $200 a week, it becomes a significant savings.  Significant.  In addition, I had no idea when this opportunity would present itself ever again, so I was determined to enjoy and savor every moment as much as possible.  So that is exactly what I set out to do...

The Other Shoe Drops

I picked up the phone on my desk at work. "World's Best Company Ever. This is Selina. How may I help you?"

My manager, Micromanaging Dictator, speaks crisply.  "Would you please come down to the Situation Room?"

"Certainly.  Sandy is about to start a training. Do you need me now?"

"Yes. This won't take long.  I picked up my notepad and a pen and strode confidently to the conference room.  I passed a large man wearing a trench coat standing just outside the conference room door.  Inside, my supervisor, manager, and a woman I'd never met were already seated. 

"Please have a seat," Micromanaging Dictator waved towards a chair across the table from her.  I sat dutifully and smiled at her. 

My supervisor Spineless Puppet then began to speak.  "It has been reported to us that you were sleeping at your desk.  This is an immediately terminable offense."

I was completely shocked.  "I have not been sleeping at my desk.  That would not even be a consideration."

Micromanaging Dictator stepped in.  "You were seen by a member of upper management earlier this morning with your head down on your desk."

"I was not sleeping. I was actually crying."  I had separated from my husband several months ago, and some days were better than others.

"Well that is not acceptable behavior either.  Please turn in your badge, corporate card and Blackberry.  Your employment with the World's Best Company Ever is officially terminated effective immediately.  You will not be allowed to return to your desk.  Spineless Puppet and I will collect your jacket and purse and return momentarily.  Your other personal effects will be mailed to you later this week.  Barb from Human Resources will explain to you any exit benefits you may have entitled to you."

With that, Micromanaging Dictator and Spineless Puppet stood.

"I would like the pictures of my kids off of my desk please."  I requested.

"We will bring those as well." 

They vanished from the room, leaving me with Barb.  She began to blather on about severance pay, health benefits, and unemployment compensation.  I really didn't hear or comprehend anything she said.  I could not believe that this was happening.  It seemed like a bad dream that couldn't be happening to me.  I just won a Director's Circle Award for my work on the software conversion project.  I had just come back from a successful site visit with a prestigious client.  Somewhere in the midst of all of this, it dawned on me that I was going to leave my carpool buddy in the lurch. 

I interrupted Barb in the middle of a sentence.  "I need to call Melissa in Purchasing.  I have to tell her that I won't be here to give her a ride home." 

Since I was not allowed to use the computers, it took some effort for them to track down Melissa's extension in the company directory.  Barb dialed the number and then let me have the phone.

"Melissa, it's Selina.  I've been terminated. I have to leave the building immediately.  I will not be able to give you a ride home."

She was stunned. "You're kidding me!  What happened? No, don't tell me. We'll talk later.  Don't let them see you cry.  Walk out with your head held high."

"Thanks," I managed to squeak.  "I'll talk to you later."  I handed the phone back to Barb and she put it back on the receiver.

We waited for what seemed like an eternity. Finally Micromanaging Dictator and Spineless Puppet returned with my purse, coat and a bag full of my photo frames.  I opened my purse and turned in my Amex Card.  I put on my coat and walked out the conference room door.  The large man who had been standing outside the door followed me out into the elevator bay and rode down to the lobby with me.  He walked behind me all the way out the front door.  I never looked back.  I opened the front door and kept on walking.  Little did I know what I was walking towards.  If I had a clue, I would have gotten on the next Greyhound bus and disappeared.